Few people are as immersed in our work anxieties and tricky office politics as Alison Green, who has been answering workplace questions for a decade now on her website. Ask a manager. In this week Direct reportshe answers readers’ questions about vacations at work.

Dear direct report,

Last year, shortly after starting a new job as a middle manager at a 30-person company, I was surprised to receive an email before the holidays asking for a donation for a surprise group gift from everyone employees to the three partners who run my firm. These partners are lovely people, but they also make a lot more money than the rest of us. I chose not to donate, but I assume most everyone else in the office contributed.

The group gift was presented to the partners at the company party and included expensive ski passes and alcohol.

This seems to be an annual tradition, so I wonder if I have the political capital to forgo it this year. I feel weird going up to my coworkers and asking, “What do you think about this?” to get people on my side, but expecting people to contribute money to buy ski passes and booze for their bosses seems really gross to me.

—Keep my money

Dear guardian of my money,

It’s disgusting because East disgusting ! THE etiquette rule is that workplace gifts should flow downward (from managers to employees), not upwards (from employees to their bosses). The idea is that employees shouldn’t feel obligated to give gifts to the people who sign their paychecks, and that managers shouldn’t benefit from the employer/employee power dynamic in this way.

Whether or not you have the political capital to act is another question. Last year, when you were new in this role, that probably wasn’t the case. But this year, you’re more established and it shouldn’t take a ton of capital to say, “Hey, what does everyone think about making a card instead of raising money this year?” Finances are tight for many people right now. Chances are that at least some of your colleagues have felt some resentment about this expense in the past and will be happy for you to talk about it.

If it doesn’t work, you can just say, “That’s not in my budget, sorry!” » And since you’re a manager, make sure you tell your team that they can do it too.

In fact, since you are a manager and it is a small business, if you have a decent relationship with any of the partners, you can also mention to them that you are concerned about the financial pressure being put on the members of your team at an already costly time. of the year, and suggest that they think about mastering the tradition themselves.

Dear direct report,

I have two colleagues who I assume like each other. They are part of different teams from each other but collaborate with each other. I noticed them flirting and spending a lot of time together. I’m their boss and one of them is on my team, but none of them report to me.

Our off-site Christmas party is coming up. It’s for employees only and there will be alcohol. They are both in a relationship as far as I know. Should I step in and say something about appropriate party behavior?

-Wondering

Dear curious,

Stay out of it! They are adults capable of managing their own behavior. Even if you managed one, it wouldn’t concern you (as long as they’re not in each other’s chain of command). But as a peer, you Really I have no right to get involved.

You may not even be right in your suspicions! As far as we know, they’re just friends. But in any case, it would be a considerable excess for you to lecture them on proper party behavior. Certainly, once you’re at the party, if they end up blocking access to the bathroom by making out at the door or if one of them drunkenly laps dances at the other during the speech CEO’s vacation, then someone can take care of it, but at this point nothing has happened and there is nothing to tell them.

Dear direct report,

How can an office ensure that Secret Santa and other gift exchanges are fair? I’ve participated in gift exchanges in the past, where I put in a lot of thought and effort, but got almost nothing in return. And I know others who participated and received nothing at all. What is the right way for a manager to ensure that everything is fair and that the people who participate get something of equal value to everyone else?

— Unfairly irritated

Dear Unfairly Angered,

This is a regular problem with workplace gift exchanges! Sometimes it’s people who ignore the suggested dollar value and pull an old spatula out of their junk drawer (a true story, I’ve heard). Sometimes it’s an honest misunderstanding; I can’t tell you how many people have told me they were mortified after showing up to what they thought was a white elephant exchange (where the goal is to bring up something cheesy or obviously unwanted) only to discover that everyone had brought class, thoughtful gifts and they had brought a stapled brochure on varicose veins (also a true story).

The most important thing workplaces can do to avoid this is to be very, very clear about the rules to everyone who participates. Provide an expected dollar range so Joe from accounting doesn’t show up home with a coffee-stained mug in his cupboard and bring home a cashmere scarf. (But keep the dollar amount low so people aren’t priced out of participating.)

And since even clear rules won’t eliminate all human quirks, ideally the organizer would keep a small reserve of backup gifts in case someone ends up without a gift or with a really bad gift. Something like Starbucks gift cards can be helpful to have on hand in this situation.

Dear direct report,

Has anyone ever managed to move the holiday season from December to January? The end of the year is already filled with work deadlines and family commitments, plus people are traveling and it’s a generally exhausting time. Mid-January would be so much better!

—Party

Dear partygoers,

Many offices do this, and so does yours! Not only is January a less stressful and busy time for many people, but you can also call the event a winter holiday or New Year’s party and avoid many of the problems associated with holiday gatherings at workplaces where Not everyone celebrates the December holidays.

As an added bonus, rooms are generally cheaper to book than they will be in December.

Dear direct report,

We have staff all over the world, some located in geographies suitable for hosting a Christmas party and others not in close proximity to any colleagues. What’s the best way to ensure everyone feels celebrated? Right now, we host parties where it makes sense and offer a gift card to those who can’t attend, along with a personalized note from the CEO. Is there a better way?

—Remote vacation

Dear distant holidays,

This is a great way to do it! You don’t leave out remote people, you just recognize them in a different way because their work setups are different. Remote jobs come with their own benefits.

That said, if people throwing parties can use their paid work time to attend them, consider giving remote employees the same time off so they aren’t forced to work while their coworkers drink cocktails without alcohol and eat cheese balls.

An important caveat about your gift cards: make sure they come from an outlet that will be as widely useful as possible. I hear too often about people whose companies are giving out gift cards to grocery stores or restaurant chains that don’t even exist where they are located.

And of course, the best gift for everyone is extra time off. If you’re not sure you’re doing enough, you can’t go wrong by taking more time off.

Dear direct report,

Every year, I give a Christmas gift to each member of my team. I usually spend a few hundred dollars of my own money on this. Is it reasonable to expect a thank you for this? I might get two thanks out of 10 people.

-Ungrateful

Dear Ungrateful,

It’s very likely that your employees think the gifts are from the company and don’t realize that you are paying for them personally.

If you’re sure they know you’re personally paying the fee, then yes, they should thank you; These are basic good manners. This doesn’t mean they have to send a written thank you note, but they should thank you at the time you hand them the gift.

If this doesn’t happen and you feel resentful, you can end the tradition; you don’t have to continue. But before you do that, think about what you were aiming for in giving the gifts in the first place: are the gifts a thank you to your team for their work this year? If so, remembering this might cause the answers (or lack of answers) to come to you differently.

But I’d bet decent money that they don’t realize you’re paying for this yourself. poached.

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